Thoughts on Being Called a Faggot
I'm not censoring that word, it has a visceral impact when shown as it really is.
You think you can harden yourself against it and this wasn’t the first time I’d had hateful homophobia thrown at me. But an online troll calling me faggot and telling me to kill myself set off all the emotions. Suddenly it was all of those times I’d felt that kind of hate, each word a rock being thrown at me. I was being pelted and every one of those stones stung.
I’ve lived in NYC since 1984, having fled small town Indiana at the age of 21. I had visited friends who lived in Brooklyn in 83 and fell in love with it. The NY Punk scene was in full swing, the Village was still gritty old New York. I felt like a weirdo in Indiana, but in the Village I was at home. Then came the 90’s and I was in a relationship, married to a woman(not legally of course, that came a few years too late for me) but we were harassed frequently. We lived in the Bronx, and after I informed a neighbor her teenaged son had been yelling “dyke” and “lesbian” at me, all 4 tires on my car were slashed. No proof it was him, but it seemed obvious. We would get harassed leaving gay bars, men would want to fights us and others would throw beer cans at us.
That relationship ended after ten years and soon it was 2001 and NY was about to go through some serious changes. Everything was different after 9/11. The political atmosphere in the country changed. I moved to Washington Heights and things were ok for a while, so much so that I had forgotten I needed to be wary.
Then came Trump. And the hate started to flow. First I was called “freak”, then you’re too manly. The anti-trans monster was just getting geared up as places around the country began telling people it’s ok to hate this group of people, there will even be laws to help. Permission was given to the bigots and even in places like Manhattan they heard the call. Within the last few months in my neighborhood of Washington Heights I was called, unholy and evil, an evil homosexual and faggot twice.
Today some trolls saw LGBTQ They/Them in my Mastodon profile and they attacked.
As soon as that got shutdown my profile was posted by that troll on something that was basically a listing of people who blocked trolls. That was the signal to go harass this person. In a few minutes came the next one, two gifs, one anti-trans and one telling me to kill myself. Then I had to suspend my account.
The people that matter care about me. And I need that support, I couldn’t survive without it.
I keep my head up, I don’t hide who I am but even rocks thrown by online trolls still sting. So thank you my friends for putting some salve on the welts. Please keep it handy, me and some others are probably going to need it again.
EDITED TO ADD: March 28, 2024.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones...
...but words can make me think I deserved it.”
You don’t, no one does, and I’m sorry there are people (and I use that word in its *loosest* meaning) out there who feel comfortable saying things like that.
I was called that in high school and the years around that - mostly for being slightly different and for being friends with the one out gay person in my class, who of course had it much worse. It's a sign of fear, like all bullying -- and cowards bully when they think they're backed up. That's the worst thing bigots bring to this world -- the reinforcement that other cowards have their back. Well they don't. Be safe -- the losers will get their due.